It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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