OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
