that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
