I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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