I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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