dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
