I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
