i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
