You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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