Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
