Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
