What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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