I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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