My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
