She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
