My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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