just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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