By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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