Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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