The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize