So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
He felt like a one man threesome
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
