I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
