I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
