So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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