Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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