Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
