Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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