I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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