1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
