Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
