Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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