just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
