I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
