There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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