I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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