So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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