census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
