My hand turned me down
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize