I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
