sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
