someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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