She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
