anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
