I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
