if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
