Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
