She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize