so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
