Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
