Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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