Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
