my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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