It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
