Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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