bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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