Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
