just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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