Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
