I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
