over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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