how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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