I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
