my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
