That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
