so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
