my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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